Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly

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i feel HORRIBLE right now

fkn hate cramps

hate everything

fml

i’m legit thinking about like hiding this blog again

and blocking people from san diego on social networking sites

and then just make a bunch of online friends!!!

i seriously can not explain how much i hate san diego

and everyone in it

ugh

I dedicate this post to my betta fish, Joseph

Okay well I’m just chillin in bed, both of my fish tanks are on the table next to my bed, and I see my baby Joseph just being his gumpy self and swimming in abnormal patterns and like slivering across the bottom of his tank and I just get SO happy okay. Joseph means sooo much to me. I got him a couple days after my ex and I broke up, and he just cheers me up. He’s the most beautiful betta fish I have ever seen and he has his own unique personality. It’s so weird to be talking about a fish this way, but you know how people get attached to their dogs or cats? That’s how I am with Joseph. I originally got him with another betta, Jesse, but a week ago Jesse and a newer betta that I got died. What happened was I put in new fish water conditioner, and I accidentally put too much so the chemicals killed the two fish. Joseph was on the verge of dying, he laid still and wouldn’t move when I touched him like he normally does, and all the color in his once beautiful green/blue/pink body had turned grey. I seriously was about to cry, I was sad over the other two fish but I wasn’t as attached to them as I was with Joseph. I figured it must have been the water, so I filled a cup full of clean water and he let me scoop out his limp little body and I placed him in the cup. The next morning I was positive that my baby was dead, I refused to look inside the cup until my grandma did for me. She said he was moving, and she was right, little Joseph was at the bottom. He wasn’t exactly himself, but he survived. Now Joseph is back to himself, his colors are more beautiful than ever, and he’s back to swimming to the front of his bowl when I come into my room and greet me. It’s so cute, sometimes I’ll look over and he’ll just be up against the bowl and staring right at me. I also have another betta, he’s new, but I haven’t really seen his personality yet. He’s black and red. Anyway, Joseph is in his sleeping spot now and being adorable as normal. <3 ok this has been a post

Sometimes

I enjoy being single

I enjoy not having to hold hands with someone

I enjoy going out with people and not having a boyfriend that’ll bitch at me

sometimes I’m not in the mood to be affectionate, I just want to have fun and hang out.

Tonight was nice, I met Connor after knowing him for a year, he drove like 3 hours just to see me. But he was too clingy with me, and he’s not my type, so it was a little eh but I still had fun, and four other people were with us and they were so high. We went to the park, and then to Vons and then to the mall for a bit.

I did something, not gonna say it here but yeah I feel great haha.

I just wanted to hang out, I didn’t want to hold hands or distance myself from the other 4 to be alone with Connor. He’s such a nice guy, and I’m trying to put him in the friendzone without hurting his feelings.

fuck I feel amazing though

Well one more hour and it won’t be my birthday anymore

and I’m honestly so fucking glad.

I want today to be over already.

I came home drunk as fuck last night, and I hardly remember anything that happened, but I got in a lot of trouble. But luckily I’m not really grounded, cause it was my birthday today. But I have random bruises and cuts on my body and I woke up with dead grass in my hair and I’m pretty sure I fell flat on my face cause my chin hurts and my tooth hurts and theres bite marks on my upper lip. Then I pulled out a pair of stolen slippers from my purse this morning, and I have no idea how they got there.

Anyway, almost all day I was getting yelled at by my grandma, but luckily my best friend came over. That was nice, we watched Netflix and stuff and then Erik stopped by my house at like 9 to give me a birthday cupcake which was nice.

My grandma is being nice now, and my dad gave my birthday money, and we’re gonna celebrate my birthday on Thursday cause my dad is off then, plus my grandma’s getting paid and then she’s gonna take me shopping.

I ended up texting Tyler, that really fucking sucked. He told me he’s doing great, but he doesn’t miss me nor is he very fond of me, so it’s best if we don’t talk. I definitely have to get over him now, it’ll be hard, but what’s done is done so I give up.

Last night was one of the best nights in a long time

TODAY WAS SO MUCH FUN

I always get sooo happy when I am with Danny. >w<

I have really bad hiccups right now and I’m sobering up

but today was really, really fun.

Tomorrow I’m hopefully gonna spend the night at Kody’s friend’s house with Kody, then the next day I’ll see Danny again, then the day after that will be my birthday

yay

Ok I’m writing too much

but after I posted that last entry I decided to look back on my old posts about Tyler when we dated. Instead of making me depressed, it made me so nostalgic and I feel like I have to talk to him sometime soon. I’m too scared to, I’ll just make a fool out of myself and get hurt. But idk. I keep thinking if all this time we went without talking changed Tyler’s mind and maybe he’ll be more understanding if we talked. But I was so fucking harsh to him last month. And I was clingy and a horrible ex. But maybe this break will change his mind.

I always see these people, who are single, but then their old loved one randomly comes into their life and they drop everything for them. Like when I had a thing with Anthony, and he just dropped me cause the girl he was in love with texted him, after months of not talking. Like what if Tyler will do that? He won’t though, but I keep putting false hope into my head. I hate that I do that. It’s over, we’re done, it won’t work out in the future. After almost two months I still haven’t accepted that. I’ve always been the type to get over people easily. But I was in love with Tyler and I still am. I’d legit do anything for him to give me a chance again.

I feel really bad.

Haven’t you guys realized, I lose one person after another?

It’s actually getting ridiculous of how bad of luck I have.

Lately I’ve been really missing Tyler. And I hate it. I wish I could go back into time and never would have added him on Facebook back in November. Or never decided to walk into Hot Topic that day with the other two Tyler’s and seeing him. Or even just deciding to message him the day after we talked.

I don’t know what triggered this. I was actually okay this past month. I guess going into Hot Topic and seeing his name just made me realize that he actually is out there, living his life. Because it just felt like he disappeared. He felt like a character that I made up in my mind, or a character in a story I wrote. I look back on our memories, and it feels unreal. Like did I really have him for those 3 1/2 months? Did I really kiss him, and have the comforting feeling knowing that he was mine?

I know he treated me badly, and he emotionally abused me, but it doesn’t stop me from missing him. Every person I kiss, I compare to Tyler’s kisses. I wish it was Tyler who I was kissing. Every boy who I hang out with I compare to Tyler, and they seem so lame to me. Forgetting the personality, Tyler was perfect for me. His looks, I dunno. Everything.

I’m ashamed to be writing all of this for anybody to see, but I had to get this out. I really miss Tyler. I just have one birthday wish, and that’s for Tyler to text me. But that won’t happen at all. October 10th is my birthday, and exactly one month since we last talked. And we ended on HORRIBLE terms. He told me to delete his number so he did, and he told me that was his last goodbye and to never talk to him again. But we all have that little bit of hope deep inside of us, just a little, even though anyone knows that he’d never text me in a billion years. I just miss him so damn much. Just to see how he’s doing and how his mom is feeling and just to remember what it felt like to be able to talk to him. I wonder if he thinks of me, I wonder if he still looks back on what we had. I wonder if he ever gets little urges to text me. I wonder if the girls he hangs out with he compares to me. I doubt it. But I still wonder.

I guess I was so head over heels in love with him that it’s hard for me to completely get over him. I still love him, so much. I still dream of the day that I get to talk to him, or even just see him for a brief second. I miss his smell, and the way he felt against me. I miss his voice, and how I’d stay up until five in the morning on the phone with him, even though I had school at 10. I miss how we’d just lay in bed together in the dark and cuddle and talk about everything and nothing. We’d make plans together about our future and he’d cry and ask me to never leave him then whenever he left I’d write about our day together and hug my jacket cause it smelt like him and I’d tell my grandma about how cute he looked while he fell asleep and the funny things he told me.

For all I know, he could have a girlfriend or be interested in someone. And I can’t get upset over that cause if he knew the things I’ve done this month he’d be so dissapointed in me and see me as everyone else if he doesn’t already. Just, Tyler made me feel so complete and happy and I would see people complaining about being single and I’d be happy cause I had the “love of my life” and I felt like I didn’t ever have to be alone anymore cause I had Tyler.

Fuck fuck fuck. I thought writing this would make me feel better but it’s just making things worse but I can’t talk to someone about this cause they’d just call me stupid. And I can’t keep this in anymore.

I just want Tyler back. Yep. I want him back. But I can’t have him. I can’t have the guy who I love. I can’t talk to him or hold him or do anything. I wouldn’t care about what people would think if we got back together. I’d deal with all the insults and the name calling and the judgments. Cause having Tyler back is the only thing that could make me happy anymore.

And now the whole Daniel thing, I noticed how much Tyler did change me. I’m acting exactly like him in this situation, I’m letting go of a person who meant a lot to me, and I’m listening to my gut feeling. It sucks because Daniel and I were close but I’m not here to please him and I’m not gonna mess around with him now that he has a girlfriend especially since I already told him I didn’t want to mess around. But it’s hard being friends with him now cause I feel used and if you love another girl you don’t “like” someone else a week after breaking up with your girlfriend. I’m always getting lead on. I would say I get attached too easily but I DON’T. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I don’t know why this shit happens to me. All I know is I want my ex back and I’d be happy for once but that’ll never happen. I remember when we broke up and he read my facebook status which was the complete end of us, he told me if I matured and changed then maybe we could work out in the future. Well I’m praying that that option is still out there because I’d do anything, absolutely anything to have him back in my arms.

For my birthday

Daniel is taking me to Seaworld. :-)

and he’s buying me a bunch of Betta fish and fish supplies.

I am so excited

o ma gad

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